Wednesday, June 21, 2017

66yr old anxiety attack over twitter. #pezoutlaw #hollywood @pezoutlaw

Last weekend I watched a TV show that was about young people obsessed with there online presence and achieving large numbers of followers that were being murdered over there vanity.
This troubled me and started a few days of self reflection.

I started worrying that I might also have succumbed to this teenage online life preoccupation.
I can dress it up with my cause (Pez Outlaw) or how I'm using this as therapy.
This might be the intent but am I becoming obsessed with gaining followers?

I enjoy mentions, retweets and the number of views I'm getting but have I strayed from my true goal?
Am I allowing the unimportant to confuse my purpose.
Blah, Blah, Blah, metrics of penetration.

My initial mission statement at the Asylum was that I'm talking to an entity that I do not believe is real.
I do not wish to engage anyone, this is a solo quest into the cyber world.
In short, poor mans therapy.
Have I strayed from that?

Notes from the Asylum is supposed to be about my attempt to sort through my brain and make sense of my thoughts.
I'm not supposed to care if anybody reads these posts.
I'm supposed to write as though you all are not real or looking.

Was that ever true or am I just a teenager seeking fame?
Then again I did go yippie over the following tweets.

14m14 minutes ago

7h7 hours ago

thank you for doing Steve's story. Neat as all-get-out that it's 1 of the Best 2015!

I'm also enjoying things like the below, way to much.
Steven Glew
Works at Acme Inc
Lives in Bad Clown Town
And the fact that Notes From The Asylum will reach 500,000 views in a couple months.

Unrepentant, He Said my Tweets earned 2,294 impressions over the last 24 hours

I tell myself that stats are a measure of accomplishment, but am I really as vulnerable as anyone else to the need for acceptance.
For Pete's sake, What are you gonna do with yourself?

I'm an unashamed narcissist. I only pay attention to what I'm doing.
This post was born out of a desire to laugh at myself.

After Pez Outlaw, I intend to retire.
new profile pic captures my essence

Pez Outlaw Diary

Monday, June 19, 2017

Gabby Hayes King of Sidekicks #pezoutlaw #hollywood #NFTA

When Cowboys were King, George Francis "Gabby" Hayes was the King of sidekicks.
I'm going to write this as I remember it with zero research except the exact spelling of Gabby Hayes.
The reason is, I want my perspective n emotion about Gabby Hayes to come through.
Through the eyes of my youth.

I don't want to spoil my memories with a bunch of useless facts.
I prefer to keep my memories untouched by the trend of revisionist history.

Roy Rogers may have been King Of The Cowboys, most likely self branding by a studio.
But in this childs eyes Gabby Hayes was the King of the sidekicks, no discussion.
I may have dreamed of being Roy Rogers but in my heart I knew that I was Gabby Hayes.
Plus when your older brother picks first, guess what, your Gabby Hayes. 

Think about it, most of us are the sidekicks in our lives.
Very few of us were the #1 cool kid in our crowds, no we were the sidekicks.
Possibly another reason I identified with Gabby Hayes, only one high school quarterback per school after all.
Even in the hippie crowd of the 1960s there was a pecking order only one guy that wore the leather jacket with long fringe.
I was not the quarterback or the guy in the jacket with long fringe, I was Gabby Hayes, the sidekick.  
It's the old, Are you Betty or Veronica thing. Guys, Are you Roy Rogers or are you Gabby Hayes. 
I'm proud n always aspired to be a Gabby Hayes.

To me all the other cowboy sidekicks were who the studios went to if you could not get Gabby Hayes.
If a studio wanted there wannabe cowboy star to have a good launch, you got Gabby Hayes if possible.

George Francis "Gabby" Hayes was a New York taxi driver before he became a cowboy sidekick in the 1940s.
As a child I always thought Roy Rogers had to go with Pat Brady when he launched his TV show because Gabby Hayes was not available.

From a small child in the 1950s when Westerns were what we watched on TV, Gabby Hayes left a deep impression on me. I've thought a lot about him over the years.
In the 1970s n 1980s when I was still not accepting my true self, I read every book I could get my hands on about the Marx Brothers, because if you wanted to be cool you talked about the Marx Brothers.
I enjoyed the history of there lives and understood there work, but honestly I was more of a 3 Stooges Gabby Hayes kinda guy.

Once the cowboy thing took over TV in the 1950s, Gabby Hayes had his own syndicated show.
That might be the association my mind gets with Gaby Hayes n the 3 Stooges.

Funny thing is the older I get, The more I look like Gabby Hayes. 

That's why I've always said, because Gabby Hayes is dead I guess Bill Murray or Michael Keaton would be my choices to play me in The Pez Outlaw Movie.
I have an opinion, but I honestly don't care who plays Pez Outlaw.

I will admit I thought Nellie Bell was very cool n probably led to my lifelong love of jeeps. 
You had to be there to get that one.
Does that make Nellie Bell a sidekick, vehicle?

TV is my Friend

Born in 1951, I am the TV generation. I was raised by TV. 
TV for most of my life has been the one friend I could count on.

Things have changed a great deal in 64 years on TV.
The biggest being I no longer watch anything in real time.
More than that, I watch most 1 hour shows in about a half hour.
Half hour shows in at most 15 to 20 minutes.

Long drawn out Car and foot chase scenes bore me to death.
Long drawn out Fight scenes bore me.
Sharing our feelings scenes bore me.

New ways of watching TV lose me, I went along up to and including DISH TV and DVD's.
Now thumb drives. Hulu, Netflix on demand. On line only. Enough already!
Seriously Why?
If it's not good enough to be on regular TV I don't want to hear about it.

I read EW magazine for the TV section, the minute I notice that a show is being reviewed on Amazon, Netflix, Showtime, Starz, HBO only I'm gone. No longer interested. Put it on regular TV, then we can talk.

I will tell you this much DISH Network. The new thing is dumping cable or dish type TV and just getting content from Netflix etc. Sorta reminds me of the moment that people realize they no longer needed land line telephones, that there cell phone was more than enough.
DISH TV about $100.00 per month vs Netflix approx $20.00 per month, you do the math.
Dish that $100.00 a month does not even get you the premium channels (HBO, Showtime etc).
The $20.00 per month for Netflix gets you everything.
DISH Network your greed will be your undoing, to say that you are not competitive is so so so an understatement of the facts.
DISH Network you need to find a way that if someone is paying you $100.00 a month that they get everything. $100.00 a month should be the premium platinum plan.

After Pez Outlaw, I intend to retire.
new profile pic captures my essence

Pez Outlaw Diary

Sunday, June 18, 2017

Asylum Crack Weasel #pezoutlaw #hollywood


I just finished writing a post so boring I didn't even want to read it, so I turned a Crack Weasel loose in my brain. The objective being to see what the little bastard turns up.
My brain being pictured here as a massive empty warehouse with one 60 watt bulb lighting the middle, one lone chair beneath it.
Into that I released the Crack Weasel.

Like a Drive Time DJ I've got my cast of characters to elevate my show.
Zombies, Commie Pinko's n Crack Weasel. 
All are an attempt to take my mind off that which I mustn't speak. 
Snakes On The Ceiling  was an attempt to shed some light.
51% Sane   was in some ways an apology.
Pez Outlaw Diary  is the angst n pain on full display.
BOOOOOM! My Head Just Exploded. was a high/low point.
If It Hadn't Been For  was a lone truth.

Other than that they have been distractions, amusement.   

Of all the words I've written. 
One of my favorite lines is.
Vanity got the only life preserver on that ship of fools.

Will there be a Pez Outlaw Book?
Will there be a Pez Outlaw Movie?
Neither is in my control. Which by the way is frustrating as hell.

I try to keep Pez Outlaw relevant by doing the things that brought the initial interest.
Notes From The Asylum is the PR arm for the Pez Outlaw project.
But truth is, I'm no longer in charge of the fate of Pez Outlaw.
The best I can hope to do is influence at the edges.
The whims of others control Pez Outlaws fate.

All that said I'm grateful.

After Pez Outlaw, I intend to retire.
new profile pic captures my essence

Pez Outlaw Diary

Friday, June 16, 2017

Tractor Legs #pezoutlaw #hollywood

Horsepoo - any day on a tractor is a good day.
I don't care where you live or what you do for a living, if you're a guy you'll never know true joy until you own a tractor.

noun: vocation;
a strong feeling of suitability for a particular career or occupation.

Vocation n Vacation have more in common than you think.
If your vocation is the thing you enjoy doing.
Then your life is a vacation.

People tell me about there planned vacations.
I tellem I really don't go anywhere anymore.
Did that.

I have created the life I love. 
I no longer feel a need to travel for happiness. 
It's a Tractor thing, beside I got Billy n Po for diversion. 

Gotta go, time to fire up the tractor. 
Horse Poo waits for no man.
Time to enjoy myself, after this brief note.

Writing here is my hobby.
Horse Poo is my vocation.
When I retreat/retire from this, farm work will be my full-time job.

We have 6 pastures n 17.5 horses.
Every spring I have the task of cleaning up all the winter buildup of horse manure.
Believe it or not I enjoy this task.

So far I've gotten 3 of the pens in shape.
It takes roughly 4 hrs per pen just to get the manure over the fence.
Then another 6+ hrs to get it down the hill for my building projects.

Being on the tractor that much really isn't hard.
I enjoy working with manure n dirt.
Although you do get tractor legs.

Tractor legs are how your legs set up a bit from  sitting work n vibration.
You kinda get off n gotta walk around a bit so you don't look funny walking.
I've had a serious case of Tractor legs for over a week now.

Not complaining, actually it's kinda a brag.
I've been getting outside a bit after noon each day.
No problem at all with  that.

I find great enjoyment in my landscaping projects that I use the horse poo for.
I could actually use 4 times as much poo as the horses give me.
Two of my projects are actually quite large.

Within the next week I plan to seed the new wild flower stands.
Last years trial plot was amazingly beautiful.
I plan to expand from 1 plot to at least 4.

On a sidenote I'm very please with the progress of the raspberries I planted last year.
I've already expanded the raspberries from 20 feet to 60 feet.
The type of bush I selected is perfect for my soil n light.

Future projects are fruit trees n grapevines.
I'll still have some veggies but my new direction is fruit. 
As always it's money slowing my plans.

Thank God Horse Poo is Free n Plentiful.
Gotta go
It's Tractor Time.

Interesting thing just happened.
Got a twitter follow from KenneyMachinery @MachineryAH follows you

I bet they know what I mean when I talk about Tractor Legs.

After Pez Outlaw, I intend to retire.
new profile pic captures my essence

Pez Outlaw Diary

Thursday, June 15, 2017

Dirt #pezoutlaw #hollywood #NFTA

I hate to admit to you that lately I've been having fantasies about DIRT. 
Big Lovely piles of DIRT that I can scoop n move around with my tractor. 
Whom I kidding, I'm always having fantasies about DIRT.
Massive piles of Bank Run to move with my tractor.
Piles of crushed concrete n crushed limestone.
Shouldn't ask, but I will. 
Is it normal to have dirt fantasies?

I think dirt is fun, working in Dirt is my form of meditation.
Lately those dreams have been an internal controversies about crushed concrete as a base topped with bankrun.
Pros n Cons.

My second dream summer would be to move bank run around the farm every day, all day.
Bank run is the gravel mix that the county puts on dirt roads.
I'd just have my guy at Felski's make a big pile, when he sees it's getting low, bring some more.

Here's the thing.
Rain brings mud, horses have well traveled areas.
The ground they use a lot gets awful messed up.
The plan is to create year round firm areas for them to walk on.
We had mud for about a week here in early February, then it flash froze, the ground became a pocked up mess.
Very hard on the horses to walk on, hard to drive the tractor on.

These well traveled areas by horses is also where they poop.
If I create firm ground, skimming the surface to remove the poo would also be easier.

My first dream summer was helping Larry build our big horse barn n Arena.  
I enjoyed the work, plus it served as my reentry to a good work ethic.   
During my Pez years I got soft n kinda citified.
I had to relearn how to put work boots n gloves on again, become useful to Kathy again.
Nothing shakes depression like really hard work.
It's just not possible to be depressed when you are bone tired with a sense of accomplishment.
If your depressed dig a hole, keep digging till you feel better, then bury it.

You wanna get your shit together, try following Larry around working.
Larry will wear your ass out, he'll still be going n he's a few years older'n me.

I wanted to write about the other man who influenced my work ethic, My Father.
My father was not a perfect man, but who among us is.
I was thinking about it last night, sometimes the people who judge others, honestly have no right.
Here's what I mean n I'm sorry if it offends, I'm trying to give perspective not offense.
There are people who lead an entire life removed from the harsher elements of every day life.
You buy all your meat from the store, you never killed n butchered your own meat.

You buy new cars, My dad never owned a new car n he fixed his own.
Dad once made one truck out of two very broke trucks.
Dad made a truck out of a blue 1956 ford station wagon.

You get your heat from the furnace. 
Dad cut wood most of his adult life.
I cut wood for 25 years. 
My son Josh currently cuts wood.

Your sewer goes out a pipe n your done.
My dad dug his own septic system and repaired it as both my son n I do.
I've been covered in human shit a few times n I'm a guy who doesn't like shaking hands.
Let's just say serious procedures were followed to regain cleanliness and clothing was thrown away.
Irregardless of phobias a job needed doin so I did what I had to do.

The point is some folks make it through life without living in the harder side of it. 
Living a harder life is not a choice for some of us.
The hard life requires the ability to do hard things n if you didn't or don't live on the harder side of life, please refrain from judging those who must.

I no longer judge my father, I have lived some of the life he did now.
Instead I forgive his shortcomings n focus on the good n that was his ability n willingness to work very hard for us.
My father accepted the burden of some pretty nasty jobs, things I've become familiar with as an adult.
My father was a good man with a very good work ethic.
I find I'm more like my father than I thought as a young man.
Love? But I definitely respect him.
In life he paid for his sins, I choose to only remember the good.

I believe in hard work.
Hard work cleanses the soul.
I've told you that in June I will be 65 n I want to retire.
Retire to me is that I go out at 10am every day, fire up the tractor n work till 7pm.
Not just the tractor though, repair fix n create as needs must.
Basically lead a real n useful life to those I love.

It's not good enough to realize you were wrong, a real man states it publicly to correct the record. 
By the same token, if your not wrong, you stand your ground Pez Corporation. 
Rudy dog would never forgive me if I wimped out, so Pez Corp we continue to the end. 
As much as I'd like this to be over Pez Corp, I wouldn't respect myself if I let it go.
Until the last dog barks Pez Corp n the dirt is thrown on. 
If need be I will fight what Pez Corp did by targeting n destroying my life to n with my very last breath.  I will not yield on this.
15 years says my word on this is to be believed. 
Sometimes even reluctantly, being a man means you fight when absolutely necessary. 
Pez Corp, I will use the truth as my way of fighting. 

Sorry for that, felt the need.
Going out to start the Tractor up.

After Pez Outlaw, I intend to retire.
new profile pic captures my essence

Pez Outlaw Diary

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

Another Day in Paradise #pezoutlaw #hollywood.

for the record. yesterday was the worst day of the year. 
weather wise. even smokey horse had to come in. 
weeks of rain n mud climaxing in rain, snow, wind, cold n mud.
Smokey Horse /old stumpy had had enough n was shivering.
When old stumpy is shivering, it's bad.
Of course he came in to a dry stall for the night then promptly redecorated everything by morning.
1st day in several years that Smokey gave in n had to come in, that says a lot about how terrible the weather was yesterday.

Days keep ticking down.
Nothing to show for it.

I'm outa sink with reality. 
How do I reconcile belief.

It was the view from the Asylum.
The struggle, a path not chosen.

Run to safety.
Mediocrities shines.

Words spoken but never asked.
Acceptance is all that's left.

Catch the pony.
Ride the dream.

Tomorrow shines Bright.

About every other week I think that I've written about everything I could possibly have to say.
Then life hands me a new post.

The Asylum in Notes From The Asylum is about being diminished/relegated to the purgatory of my own mind.
The Notes are thoughts I smuggle out of the prison of my mind.

This process is very odd for others to watch.
Know me long n you know my words are chosen, not random.
My words have purpose, especially when I seem to be rambling.
Other times my words are just building walls to keep people out or placate.
I call that Verbal Wallpaper or just wallpapering. 

The other day in answer to a question I was told.
Keep doing what you're doing.
That I can do. 


Today's a very big day which required a very big push.
In less than 2yrs Notes From The Asylum has passed all other endeavors.
The success of NFTA has been at a near rate of 10x.
Very proud today. 

"Notes From The Asylum" Done, mission accomplished. NFTA Now Rules The Universe. #pezoutlaw #hollywood.



The process of getting back to basics as a person is essential to survival when life gets rough.
People around me may have money but I will never carry money again in my life.
I just want to securely maintain my little world n meander around within it.
I'm at peace with that. 

Of all the things I've built or created over the last 20yrs I'm proudest of this building.
This project was the perfect exercise of finding the good within the bad.
I created a silk purse out of a sows ear by taking a building that was a total eyesore n turning it into a tight building.
Truly proud of it n never tire of looking at it.
If you know the whole story, This building represents the best of who I am now.
see  Fence Post, post. #pezoutlaw #hollywood @pezoutlaw...

my Tweets earned 98,229 impressions over the last 28 days

When you ask to be friended or follow me, make sure it's what you really want, because I'm relentless in pursuit of my goals.
After Pez Outlaw, I intend to retire.
new profile pic captures my essence

Pez Outlaw Diary

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Own Who You Are. #pezoutlaw #hollywood @pezoutlaw

Own Who or What You Are. Be The Writer Of How The World Views You

When you clicked on this you opened the door to the Asylum.
So if you made a mistake, I will pause for a moment while you run for your sanity.

OK, we're back.

Notes from the Asylum is about the Twisty turns of the mind, picking up discarded things from the floor of your mind. Dusting them off n looking at them. that's the intent part.

The interpretation part is what you the reader are bringing to the table as you read this.
Well now that I've put us both down this rabbit hole, how do I get us out of here?

I guess I'm saying that the Asylum is a thought experiment. 
Playing with the mind in public.
Oh Yeah n it amuses me.

Your interpretation might be different, fair enough.
Last night I was watching something on tv n it involved crazy.
I got feeling kinda bad for some people who are trying to deal with crazy n not winning.
I've sorta found a middle ground with crazy, one I think I'm coping with.

I've decided to use crazy as a skill set, instead of letting it use me.
65yrs n it doesn't look like crazy is going away any time soon.
So I can either be a victim or figure out how to make crazy carry it's share of the work.
I'm not afflicted by crazy, crazy is an integral part of who I am.
The crazy in me is what makes me unique.
Crazy is what gives me a very different perspective on life n living it.

You can try for a lifetime to outrun crazy n never win.
You can give up, medicate n be crazies victim.
I choose to find the good in something I can not escape.
Each part of crazy has it's own unique assets if you look hard enough.

I've tried a lifetime to imitate others, be like you.
Guess what, it made me miserable n I failed to be like you.
Well if I can't outrun this Bastard then maybe I'd better do my best to make peace with him.
When you try to outrun crazy you just give him more power over you.
I've decided to meet with crazy n allow him to share my voice.
Keep your enemies close, so you can keep a better eye on them.

It took almost 30 years. Others aren't as lucky.
I make lite of it cause it's part of the coping.
I do not make lite of the struggle others are facing n do not suggest what works for me would work for anyone else.
Hopefully though some might find encouragement in the things I write.
I also want to remove the stigma attached to crazy.
We are unique n I don't mean special like that.
I mean sincerely that we bring a rare unique view with different approaches to things.

Own Who or What You Are. Be The Writer Of How The World Views You.
Which is why I avoid mirrors. I do not want any physical representation in what I project as who I am.

Below is a post that failed to get the required # of views to stand on it's own.
I put it here though because it contains info that might be useful.

Jeff Maysh #pezoutlaw #hollywood

Jeff Maysh seemed disappointed when my thoughts regarding my youth for the Pez Outlaw book were at best my disinterest.
Here's my reason.
I have a very strong dislike of my past, I don't like who I was at all.
You name the time period, all I have for it is regret n sadness.

I find thinking about my past very unsettling mentally.
I've worked very hard every day of my life to be better than who I was yesterday.
Memories of who I was only get in the way of who I want to be.

I've got what I think is a really good solution to this obstacle.
As we know everybody colors there memories of the past so that they can live with themselves.
Therefore a lot of Biographies seem a bit self serving.

A more accurate version of who we were is in the eyes of those around us at the time.
Which brings me to my idea.
I think Jeff should use his recorder on my 4 brothers n get them to tell it.
The way my brothers saw me would I feel tell the story more accurately.

If it's written from my point of view it will just be self serving.
My youth as seen by my brothers, I think might tell a more interesting story.
I can live with the way they saw it.

I don't fear the truth of my past.
I just don't want to relive it.
My only thoughts are of today n tomorrow.
I block out as much of my past as I can.
If a memory of the past creeps into my mind, I go into overdrive to push it out.

In the 1990s I listened to motivational speakers on tape.
Part of the reason I was able to even be Pez Outlaw.
The motivational guy I liked best referred to bad memories you dredge up to sabotage yourself as weeds.

Here's the thing for me about thinking about the past. 
I'm good for a few seconds but then my mind segues to the worst thought it can, just to screw with me.
Being aware that this is how my mind works I just head the whole process off by not thinking about the past at all.

So let my brothers tell it n that way I don't have to think about it.
I'm good with who my brothers saw me as.
You can include Doug Wallet for my drinking n drug years.

My battle with the demons in my head were not seen by most.
Only Kathy knows.
It's always been in my head, rarely seen by the world around me. 

Which is also why recent entreaties to relive old angers n hatreds seem trivial.

After Pez Outlaw, I intend to retire.
new profile pic captures my essence

Pez Outlaw Diary