Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Insanity is Only Perspective #pezoutlaw #hollywood

I'm not a big fan of Reality.I prefer the world in my head.
Each day the real world demands my presence, it always depresses me.

The difference between Crazy n Insane is Only Perspective.
This was made very clear to me yesterday.
My guess is that you've never gotten "The Look".

Yesterday while showing Kathy some things that I thought Quite Clever, I got the look.
Followed by "even Josh asked if everything is alright".
Then told, "you get to involved in an idea n following it, you need to step back'.

In short Kathy was saying, you've gone down the rabbit hole again.
Your search within is eluding people who see it.
Sometimes I get so involve with the creation of something that I can't see what I've created, objectively.

That's the rough part of the line between crazy n insane.
You think what your doing is genius,  Then you get that look.
N the terrible part is you can't see it.

That's why I bring up insane.
Being crazy is a delicate dance on the line between sanity n insanity.
You never notice when you cross that line.

It's all perspective.
I love the twisty digging deep of mental creation.
But I'm to close, I can't see what you are viewing.

Nor do I see what you bring to that viewing as your perspective on my work.
For that matter, I also don't see the obvious insights that some of my creations give you about where my head is at, at the moment.
It's right there obvious as hell, but I'm to busy working on the details to notice.

So I get the look.
Trust me, I don't enjoy getting it.
I thought I was doing great.

The difference between insane n genius is also a fine line.
You are a genius when people accept n understand your thoughts as fresh n unique.
You are insane when those same people do not understand your thoughts n reject them as outside the norm.

Truthfully, none of this really bothers me.
Then again an insane person thinks he's a genius.
In the end we are all judged by our peers.

My good fortune is that since age 19 (47yrs now) I've had Kathy to help me navigate the line between crazy n insane.
She says, step back, you need to filter your thoughts more, I do it.
I enjoy what I do here, it helps me deal with a lot of things, but?

This all came up I believe because of the 2 following posts.
I'm going to share an image that I thought was really clever, but is precisely when I got the sternest look of disapproval I've ever gotten and "The Talk".
Yesterday n even today I can't see the problem, though I don't doubt that there is one.
So why share it? I think because it illustrate better than words what I'm talking about in this post.
I'm sure a year from now I'll be able to see what's wrong with the image, but right now all I see is the cleverness of the creation.

I said last night to Kathy, "maybe it does show where my head is at right now".
Kathy, in shocked expression. "YA THINK!
Nope, I missed it completely.

I bet you a dollar I get scolded again for sharing that image with you.
Then again, The title of this blog is Notes From The Asylum.
So you know................. 

In my defense.
I wonder what Edvard Munch, Edgar Allan Poe, Rod Serling or Stephen King's relatives n loved ones thought of there work.
Did they get the look n "The Talk"? 

by Edvard Munch
Granted, My work is like stick figures to actual Art.
Then again my work is modernistic/minimalist. 
I take what's around me n re-purpose it to express a thought.

I  can see the obvious once it's pointed out, but still try to make the case that it was not my point.

The bigger question.
Why do you do this, write these posts n share these things.
"Normal" people/thought would be, to personal, better to hide this side of yourself.
I don't know, I'm compelled, something inside me say that I should, that writing precisely these things is the right thing to do.

I believe that you instinctively are driven to do things that are where you need to go or what you must do n I trust these instincts.
Instinct was what drove me to become n execute the Pez Outlaw years, because of that when driven to do something, I do not fight it.

That n to be honest.
Posts in the Asylum that do best are when I dig deep.
With this provision.
The best posts are dig deep, but obscure the true meaning.

After Pez Outlaw, I intend to retire.
new profile pic captures my essence

Pez Outlaw Diary

Sunday, February 19, 2017

Crossroads #pezoutlaw #hollywood

At 66 I find myself at a crossroads in life.
Emotionally I just want to walk away.

The tragedies in your life are not your life's story. 
The dreams you refuse to let die are your life's story.
The isolation of that belief in yourself is your story.
The refusal to surrender your dreams to a reality you reject is your story.

Today while walking behind the lawn mower, this is the conversation I had with myself.
Do poor n middle class folks face different moral decisions than White collar n rich.
Do some of us not have the luxury of high moral standards?

This came up because I was imagining being interviewed by a reporter for the movie about Pez Outlaw that saw my behavior in a dim light.
I'd have no problem with his view, but what would be my answer.
I arrived at the previous statement.

It was once said to me that "This could have been so much easier".
I can see how that might or would be true with anyone else.
Is it even possible for something to happen differently than it did.
People are complicated, many factors influence the path we must walk. 
With others I'm sure this could've been easier.
If Pez Outlaw were/was other people though you'd never have asked.

Opening shot.
10yr old boy being dragged by a teacher to the classroom closet.
The boy is pushed into darkness n the door is closed.
A light comes on n it's that same boy in a 4ftx4ft cell (the Hole) in a county jail.
Sudden violent turbulence n the passenger on a tiny plane flying from Austria to Slovenia wakes up wondering what had led him to that moment in time.

The in between is a composite of the adventures of Pez Outlaw, his rise n fall.
Followed by the 2 decades of struggle to get Pez outlaw made into a movie.
The story is the struggle, the belief of a person in themselves.
3 decades of belief.

Closing Shot.
Camera to the back of an old man in the dark watching a lit stage of a movie about his life being made.

Kathy said that she was glad to hear that I didn't feel the need to share everything I thought n that to her surprise there was a filter between my mind n my mouth.

Let me smack that filter, it might be on the Fritz. 
This was an entirely different post which I deleted.
It's not that I now disagree with what I said.
If anything I feel even stronger on the subject.
I removed the post because I felt I was having that conversation a bit to soon.
Barring a miracle we will have that conversation later.
For now let's just say I'm disappointment.

After Pez Outlaw, I intend to retire.
new profile pic captures my essence

Pez Outlaw Diary

Saturday, February 18, 2017

Edumacated #pezoutlaw #hollywood

One day you wake to happiness.
That doesn't change the misery of the day before.
All is forgiven, The Happy Lie.


Hold your thoughts close
Scared of what you want

The Truth
Another's perception

Eternity, a moment in time
Light or Darkness

Choose the dream
Scorn the reality

Understanding nothing
Caring less

The Dream

Get to what matters.
A life worth writing about.

Pricing the heart.
Renowned, some say expert.

Fix the machine.
Connect to the future.

Eat obscurityً, morn it's loss.
Be Self-proclaimed.

The one thing that causes me pause about my own sanity is my unbelievable optimism in Pez Outlaw.

Be very careful talking with your hands when your eyes are closed, no telling what you'll run into. 


Urban Dictionary: Edicate

Edicate is when you're not edumacated enough to spell etiquette!

I'd like to let you in on a secret.
When writing here in Notes From The Asylum I google words all the time.
Before I started writing in NFTA I was a spoken word kinda guy.
I used all sorts of words in conversation.

It's one thing to use words talking n generally know the usage of a word.
When you start writing you gotta spell that shit n you dam sure better use it correctly.
So I look em up.

I used the reference above as my perfect illustration of that point because it was spot on.
I did try to use Etiquette by spelling it Edicate.
I found the search information delightfully humorous.
So much so that I built this post around it.

Did you notice I said built not wrote.
Kinda interesting slip, huh.

Does that mean I actually look at writing like Building n words are tools?

Like one of my many heroes Groucho Marx I'm a self educated 65yr old man who tries to never stop learning.
At age 43 I doubt I'd ever read a whole book due to dyslexia.
By the age of 52 I'd read several hundred books.
At age 52 I'd never really written anything.
Now at age 65 I've written Pez Outlaw Diary albeit poorly n Notes From The Asylum, much better.

During my decade as Pez Outlaw I was computer illiterate.
Now I do everything on the computer.
Change, learn n improve.
Not bad for a guy who in High School was in the slow kids class (Dyslexia, wasn't understood back then).

The Remington Diet #pezoutlaw #hollywood
Body By Remington.

You may have figured out from my posts here that I killed my riding mower.
I'm trying to figure out what you'd call that, maybe Lawn Mowercide?

Here's the thing n you know that's always the case, ie that there's a thing about almost everything.
I treat lawn mowers rough.
I've been on this piece of land 42 yrs n I've never managed to have a decent yard year to year.
By the nature of my life, every year I start over when it comes to my yard.
10 to 12 inch ruts from taking hay round, people park in n turn around in my yard.
Oh yeah n horses walk everywhere.
I long ago gave up on having a lawn like my neighbor Tod.

So every year I start out new.
My mower hits rocks limbs twigs n gravel on a regular basis.
My tires get poked by thorn apple needles so I fill them with goop.
My last riding mower was a Cub Cadet, bought it new n it lasted 5 seasons.
Cause of death, mower deck is shot n so is the pneumatic drive. 

The Cub Cadet didn't even finish it's 5th yr, so Kathy at my request bought me a $350 Remington walk behind mower.
My yard took 4hrs to mow on a riding mower n now takes roughly 7.5 hrs to mow walking.
I break this task up into 4 segments on 4 different days.

The good news is that because I'm now mowing my yard with a self-propelled walk behind mower instead of sitting on a riding mower, I've lost 1 inch on my waist.

The bad news is that that little bastard drags me all over the place n is wearing me out.

So far I've had 2 very kind friends (Susan n Laurie) offer to let me use there riding mowers.
I tell them, you do realize that my riding mower did not die a natural death.
I killed it, I always do.
I'm a cereal/serial Killer of lawn mowers.
As a matter of fact I kill any type of gas powered engine.
Just a fact, not something I'm proud of.

I will say this though.
I had a Scott garden tractor that lasted almost 12yrs with even worse treatment.
The cub cadet lasted 4.8yrs.

This post was supposed to be about the virtues of exercise n walking instead of sitting n riding.
I'm getting in decent shape for a 66yr old n I'm always going on to folks about "the Remington Diet".

see for more

After Pez Outlaw, I intend to retire.
new profile pic captures my essence

Pez Outlaw Diary

Thursday, February 16, 2017

"When the highway goes through" #pezoutlaw #hollywood

Pez Outlaw

In my youth my entire family seemed to be struck by a phenomenon called "When the highway goes through".Kinda odd now that I think about it because the highway went through when I was in grade school.
More accurately it shoulda been when the road goes through.

At the heart of it was, when the road went through how the city would buy up a bunch of land/property n dreams would come true.
For over a decade everyone in my family pinned high hopes on this one big event.
In the end I believe only brother Lloyd actually sold 2 properties to the city.

Sometimes in life we pin to much hope on one life changing event to pull our fat outa the fire.
Never a good idea, but outa desperation we fall into the trap.
Probably one of the worst forms of setting ourselves up for disappointment.

I believe that I've fallen under the same spell n now must prepare myself for the worst.
Yesterday was a really tough day, for the first time in this journey it started dawning on me that this may not be happening.
I know, talk about an optimist in that yesterday was the first time I thought I might fail.

The option on my life rights runs out sometime before March 1, 2017.
Meaning if I'm gonna get news it will happen in the next 20 day or not at all.
A very bad omen has started, in old parlance my calls are no longer being returned.

I fear that I must start preparing myself for a failure.
I think that maybe the highway will not be going through.
That said I want to thank the parties concerned for there interest in my story.

In the eventuality that there is no Pez Outlaw Movie I only have the most vague of ideas on how I might proceed.
I believe that I will just continue work here in Notes From The Asylum.

For the past 2yrs the Asylum has helped me let go of Pez Outlaw Diary.
Maybe 15yrs of mourning for my old life was enough.
Notes From The Asylum might be the new chapter in my life.

Possibly it's now time to let Pez Outlaw Diary go.
I accept full responsibility for this failure, no one else can or should be blamed. 

The above statement will be all I have to say about this, I just felt I owed you this much.
I will not respond to inquiries about this any further. 


Don't let the title fool you, before I'm done you'll see that this is actually a very positive post.
Recently I mentioned that I fear the Pez Outlaw project has failed.
Yes failure Sucks, but I gotta tell ya, I'm not afraid to fail.

Two reasons.
1. you never know where failure might lead you.
2. ratio of no's to the inevitable yes.

In the 1980s I was on a McDonald's quest.
I found out while on that quest that there is always a ratio of no's to the eventual yes.
I don't care if it's 100 no's for that one yes, it's out there waiting for you.
The only way that you don't get that yes is if you give up.

I also realized on that McDonald's quest that sometimes what you think you are doing is not at all where you are headed.
I thought I was hunting for McDonald's toys, what I found out was that I was actually collecting Happy Meal Boxes.
The end result was that Joshua n I took 2 van loads of Happy Meal Boxes to a McDonald's Convention n SOLD OUT in the first night.

What I'm trying to take from this is this.
For 15yrs I've been banging on about Pez Outlaw Diary, there is evidence to suggest that I was actually working my way to Notes From The Asylum. 
Once I'm sure Pez Outlaw Diary has failed I will illustrate the evidence of this.

Do not fear failure.
Embrace your failure n own it.
Most of all, learn from the failure n make sure that it didn't lead you to something better.

Quitting is not an option, if I did I'd never find my yes at roads end.
Notes From The Asylum is already a better product than Pez Outlaw Diary.
In creativity alone, I believe this to be true.

I'd like to point out a NEW thing in my character.
Now when I fail, 1st thing I do is accept 100% responsibility for the failure.
No more blaming others.

That said Pez Outlaw Diary stays as it is, a raw primal scream from a past life.

After Pez Outlaw, I intend to retire.

by the way, this image would also or possibly be the 1st T-shirt


Pez Outlaw Diary

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Fame for Pez Outlaw, obscurity for me #pezoutlaw #hollywood

My reward will be his success.

Whenever I want to move on from something I don't like or that was pointless, I throw dirt on it.
Throwing dirt on something is a figurative statement to me.
Throw dirt on it = bury it with an avalanche of posts. 

Recently I had a talk with a person from the past, as in my past life.
I had high hopes that this conversation, might be informative or at the very least controversial.
Even bad press is press n notoriety is or can be forward motion.

No other way to say it, It was a disappointment. 
To be honest I'm not clear what the person was searching for.
Either way it deviated from my prime objective, which is the promotion of Pez Outlaw.

I steal 2-3hrs of every day to push my agenda.
I know how awful that sounds, but I set this goal over a decade ago n I refuse to deviate until I succeed. 
So when a pursuit/conversation cuts to deeply into that 2-3hrs without any visible gain I just can't afford it.

I've told you that I have zero money, which means time is my currency.
None of us are truly poor, we just have different assets.
When I lost everything n could not buy a solution to my predicament I realized my new asset/weapon was the Internet n that time was what I had to spend to achieve my goals.

I just can't get bogged down in long trips down memory lane unless they move the Pez Outlaw agenda forward.
I didn't come to the Internet to find relationships, I came here to give Pez Outlaw a voice.
So what appears interesting to others is sometimes only a waste of my most precious commodity, Time. 

Look, I've told you I'm a Hermit n this is not gonna change.
Truth is even after I achieve my goals, this is actually only gonna get worse.
My dream is fame for Pez Outlaw n obscurity for myself.

Johanne said "You like to sell fast, I like to sell slow. We will see who wins."
To that I say, "He who writes the history of the event wins."
I'm very single minded in my goals, you would be correct to say I have tunnel vision on my goals to the exclusion of everything else. Everything.

Branded with personal defects as deficits that I now use as my strengths.
I'm an alphabet soup of crazy: schizophrenic, bipolar, ADD, compulsive obsessive etc.
These are my assets now, I have focused these flaws into my goal of making Pez Outlaw a success.

A week ago the news was not good n I think you could tell I was no longer on my game.
Well that's over, no matter what the news is at any step of my journey, as long as I have breath I will not stop in my pursuit of promoting the Pez Outlaw story.

I have no choice but success.
Once Pez Outlaw is finished, then I can rest.
Hopefully that rest includes a mountain of Bank Run/dirt with stones n my tractor.

I seek obscurity but I want Pez Outlaw to have his Fame.
I'm schizophrenic, so of course this is possible.
It wouldn't be the first time that I threw someone outa my mind.
I do it all the time, the real problem is keeping them out. 

That friends is how you throw dirt on something.
Meanwhile, I've got $4.37 in my account, but I'm rich with time. 
Yes I keep score, if I didn't Rudy/dog would haunt me. 

Which answers your other question.
Do you care what anyone thinks of you.
Yes, I care what my dogs think of me. 

To all the folks on twitter trying to sell me services.
I've got $4.37 in my account.
Poor, you've sunk a dry hole. 

Take a really good look at my profile pic.
Twitter folks, Do you really think you can manage that?
The Best have tried. 

Each day being compulsive obsessive there are 3 goal, goals within goals.
1. view count for opening post.
2. daily view count 1,000-1,500.
3. Lifetime view count must pass the next thousand.

Sorry for going on.
A post must open at 200 views.
We're good now. 

After Pez Outlaw, I intend to retire.
new profile pic captures my essence

Pez Outlaw Diary

Saturday, February 11, 2017

Bum in a Dumpster #pezoutlaw #hollywood

Back in the early 90s I used to dumpster dive for cereal boxes.Once while in an enclosed recycling dumpster some folks innocently opened the hatch to put some material in.
When they lifted the flap in the dumpster there I sat.
I said Hello n they left really quick.
Bum in a dumpster wasn't what they were expecting that Saturday.


I love the following sentiment.
He taught me everything, but not everything he knew.


The Mud's Got Whitecaps.
There's been an ungodly amount of rain this year.
We had An ocean of mud.
When the peaks dry, they look like Whitecaps.

I went into one of the pastures the other day,
The tractor got stuck in soft mud up to the frame.
As always Kathy had to snatch me out with her truck.
Within a week the mud closed, like I'd never been there.

Saw some mice rafting on the runoff.

God I'm in terrible shape this spring.
Sunk 3 posts n man did I pay the next day.
Bought n unloaded material for 2 jobs.
That was it for the day, except chores.

Every year Spring is a shock to my system.
With spring comes projects.
Each project highlights how outa shape I am. 
Even with winter's work load, I still loose ground.

All winter I'm busy.
3 to 4 hours a day outside working.
Thing is it's a different kind of work.
In winter you just hold things together n do chores.

Spring brings projects.
Pasture need cleaned n big repairs are no longer on hold.
Muddy rutts need smoothing n the yard needs mowing.
Oh yeah n I gotta rebuild the mower deck.

We haven't even got to trees, gardens n flowers.
This year I want to plant 6 new fruit trees.
I need to seed 3 to 4 new wild flower patches.
Also need to figure out what I'm doin with the garden this year.

The new raspberries are already in the ground. 
Believe it or not I'm already seeing leaves.
Ripped out n moved 40 ft of bushes
Moved them down hill n replaced with raspberries.

Got new boots, on sale, 2 pair, $44.00
Tellin folks like a kid with new tennies.
Seemed odd on reflection.
Yet, why don't other people get excited by little things.

Just accepted a new follower on twitter.
Prompts me to say, There's weird n then there is WEIRD.
I try to stay within the bounds of good taste.
But there are some really strange things out there. 

This is happening on TV also.
The boundaries of good taste are being pushed, more n more.
I like science fiction, Time travel n Zombie detectives are fun.
But all that's just goofy fun.

What I don't care for are shows about the cannibal of the week.
I don't like shows that feature crimes against children.
Criminal Minds etc are not my cup of tea. 
I can't get that stuff outta my head.

Once a TV show shows you something you can't unring that bell.
IZombi fun TV, Criminal Minds not so much.
Supernatural Fun, reality news shows about grisly murders, not fun.
To each there own I guess. 

It's a shame though.
Great actors.
Terrifically well written characters.
Subject, like Jase say's, No.

Did some good on the ruts today.
Gotta get the ground shaped up so it's possible to mow. 
Neighbors each side of me have already mowed.
Todays post was Goulash of the week.

Just saw this. 
Enjoy all the benefits of online shopping plus free store pickup.
Begs the question.
Were you gonna charge me to come to the store n pick it up?

After Pez Outlaw, I intend to retire.
new profile pic captures my essence

Pez Outlaw Diary