Wednesday, November 4, 2015

Taboo, Suicide Death Alzheimer's #pezoutlaw #hollywood

I say Taboo because we all share this collective illusion of immortality.
It's the don't ask, don't tell of life itself.
We all act out each day like this isn't temporary, my Mother in Law knew different.

I remember how for the last decade of my mother in laws life she started doing things to prepare for her death.
She wanted to get things ready so she wouldn't be a burden on her children.
I remember thinking that it was kinda odd behavior.
I've always tried to have a rule that you do not give death 1 second of life, death will get it's own.

Now I find myself signing Pez Outlaw on as many pez as I can so my family will have them if they need them n I'm no longer here to sign them.
I gotta tell ya, I don't even like admitting to this.
The thing that gets you thinking this way is all the celebrities near my age that died in 2016.
Hopefully that's not how this plays out, because I'd sure like to be here n see it happen.

Actually there are 2 sides to everything I've done over the last 2 decades.

Pez Outlaw Diary.
Yes I'd love it to become a movie n a book, but I also want a record of all this in my own hand for my grandchildren.

Notes From The Asylum
That's a tougher nut to crack.
On one hand I wanted it to flesh out Pez Outlaw.
The Diary says what happened, The Asylum fleshes out the person.

N we get back to my mother in law.
With Pez Outlaw Diary n Notes From The Asylum I've tried to leave enough information behind if it's needed.

Father Mulcahy, Princess Leia, Mork.
With each death it's getting harder n harder to maintain my illusion of immortality.
That I know of I'm not going anywhere at the moment but my mother in law's behavior is creeping in.
Until that day I'll keep running for president, writing in Notes From The Asylum n signing pez dispensers.

Yesterday I mentioned to Kathy that I hadn't seen anything on facebook from someone in a very long time.
The person seemed very depressed last I heard.
Why don't I just ask? 
Really because If, I don't want to know.
2016 had enough sadness, I don't want anymore.

The above post is exactly why I play in a partially fantasy world most of the time.

In reality I find to much sadness.

I find joy in my fantasy world.
Moriah said the coolest funny thing yesterday.
Somebody asked her something about the social life of the Horses.
Moriah told them, I'll have to ask Dad n get the latest horse gossip.

That's me, out there talking to the horses and dogs n them talking back to me.
You would not believe the stuff they say.

For the record Milo/dog doesn't even try to hide from humans that he's talking to them.
Most animals are very subtle about speaking to humans but not ole Milo.
I'm sure he's breaking some animal rule by doing it.

With most animals there talking, but you only hear them if you're listening.
Though, thinking about it, it might be a crazy person thing.
Potato, Potato.

Back to signing pez in case the kids need them.
Takes a while for the ink to dry.


I decided to put 3 rough topics all in 1 post.
These subjects suck at getting views but I feel they are important enough to keep up. 

To be honest this post will do shitty.
Talking about things people prefer not to is not a view getter.
I'm going to leave this post up in spite of that.
If just one person finds help or feels less alone, this post is worth it.

Recently I was informed that someone I know is talking about committing suicide.
This comes on the heels of a young man with small children that I know who did commit suicide.

I have to admit to you that this troubles me.
I've told you that part of my deal is that I have many voices who fight to be heard in my head.
One faction just likes to dredge up whatever it thinks will upset me.
So of course that topic gets air time in my head.

Life is a very complicated journey, with very few truths that are easily known.
The most important of those truths and my number one rule is.
You were born so it's abundantly clear that you are supposed to continue life's journey to it's natural end.

Every month I suffer from a few days of depression.
Sometime my internal clock gets really messed up n this can go on for a long time.
That said I always remember, even if the depression lasts for a month, it will pass.
That on the other side is something worth waiting for.
You do not give up, you play the hand out. 

Yes I suffer from depression but on the bright side I'm an unbelievable optimist.
I believe in myself and I believe anything is possible if you keep trying.
I do not understand giving up as a result of depression.
To me if you are at bottom you fight with constraints and inhibitions removed.

If you feel you have nothing left to lose, instead of choosing suicide you should consider the idea that you have been liberated.
I try to turn negatives into positives.
Depressed n at your bottom = free to fight with nothing to lose.
Obsessive compulsive = focus n tunnel vision on a goal.
Bipolar schizophrenic = a very unique viewpoint on life. ability to find solutions n ways of looking at things that others don't.
ADD, well not sure yet, that one still stumps me. though I admit that when I catch myself running around like Ricochet Rabbit. It does make me laugh.

I can talk about these things because they are my life.
Actually diagnosed schizophrenic in 1969. 
Some things you just know to be true, High highs low lows Bipolar.
Constantly checking n double checking doors locks knobs, obsessive compulsive.
Distracted to new shiny objects or thoughts ADD.
Depression, I'm coming out of a 3 day cycle at this moment.
So yeah I believe I get the right to talk about these things.

To people who worry about who they are to others.
Close your eyes n look inward. Figure out who you are not who you are to others.
Project that inner vision of yourself to others.
If they don't get it or reject who you truly are.
Screw them, they're idiots, be a force of nature.
Care about what you think n what you think of yourself.
Find as close as you can to inner peace.

Every day is a gift, each is a fresh chance to get it right.
Each morning when you wake is like a rebirth, you can if you choose leave yesterday behind n start new.

I hope my life's journey will be an inspiration to people who find themselves at the bottom.
Hopefully they will see how not giving up, choose life.
That it is possible to find something to live for.
That there is hope. 

Choose life.Choose to dare the impossible.
Death will find you soon enough.

The D Word

Don't play with death, you might make it aware of you.
We all deal with the inevitable eventuality of death in our own way.
I overheard Kathy say to someone, he thinks he's never gonna die.

I have been trying to deal with death since I was roughly 5 years old.
Watching Roy Rogers with my family a character on the show died, which brought me to inconsolable tears.
My mother bless her, got out the Bible to try n help me find peace with it all.

I've told you that there are many voices/personalities in my brain and that I've selected the best of them to be in charge.
One of those voices is death, not a fun guy at all. He has been thrown through the front window of my mind more times than I can count.

Death will find me when it's my time, I do not and I will not waste valuable moments of life in contemplation of death.

I choose instead to live inside each moment of life. I rarely think in the past, as I believe each day to be a new beginning. A fresh start, an opportunity to do better.

My personality has evolved, once angry n short fused, now calm and measured.

To the contrary I am very aware that I am going to die, that shadow has walked by my side every second of my life.

It's there, I just refuse to think about it. While I can, I choose life.
I choose to live each day as it's own in defiance of death.

To live each day does not for me include Bungy Jumping or a Bucket List.
Each day has it's own value, without High Octane Adrenaline filled activity.
I like normalcy, familiarity.
People with "Normal" minds seek Crazy Fun.
For us Crazy folk, we seek normal, calm n happy.


My father died from Alzheimer's so you know, kinda worried about that.
About 15 yrs ago, last time I saw a Doctor, He played the Alzheimer's game. 
I was not amused, I walked out on that Doctor.
Don't they realize that we are scared to death of that shit.

I've told you that my grandfather was the town drunk in Farwell Michigan.
I've told you that I'm an Alcoholic, sober 45yrs.
Well my dad was a text book Alcoholic also.
Forgive me but it is my prayer that his Alcoholism contributed to his Alzheimers.
If you know different, KEEP IT TO YOURSELF.
I cling to this thread of hope.

Which brings us to Last night, when I went out to bring Tenny horse in for the night.
Kathy n Laurie were in the old barn when I got there.
AHEM, Dude you got the wrong horse.

On examination I had grabbed Robin not Tenny.
Here's the problem Robin is a big draft cross, tenny is more or less a pony.
Well shit, Talk your way out of that one.

When I get Tenny I find Bo then just grab the other one.
Other than white splashes on Bo, he n tenny are identical.
Found Bo, looked down where tenny usually is.
Expected to see Tenny so Tenny is who I saw.
Walking downhill to get him Robin looked shorter.
Just looped him n off we went.
Tenny n Robin thought it was a great joke.

Explain this one dude.
Robin is the only one that wears a blanket in that pen.
To be honest, I just didn't look.

Major embarrassment which is bad enough I'd've figured it out but shit, 2 people saw me do it.

So yeah, Alzheimer fears crept in.
After all, I do love to torture myself.

Here's the truth though.
I expected to see Tenny so I saw Tenny.
I was not paying attention, Kinda cold.

Unlike everybody else around here I'm actually not a horse person.
I feed, pick up horse poo n talk to the horses, that's it.
I do not ride horses. 
So all the nuances of each horse are lost on me, Don't care.
Red Horses are red Horse's.
Smokey/cowboy is Black.
Dub is Buckskin n that's fancy, he's tan/brown.
Gabe is Big Ole Gabe.
Marny is Marny, Roz is Roz.
Hell, there are 18 horses around here??????

Anyway, Thanks One Hell Of A Lot Kathy n Laurie For Stoking My Alzheimer Fears. 

Add to the above my general squirrelyness.
I have OCD n A.D.D. tendencies.
I have very long rituals that each must be done so I can move on.
Every gate must be checked. Doors must be checked.
Like that shit isn't enough, Kathy n Laurie had to catch me drifting.
Seriously, When does a guy catch a break around here?

For the record stop giggling; Tenny, Bo, Robin, Kathy n Laurie.
It was not that funny.

After Pez Outlaw, I intend to retire.
new profile pic captures my essence

Pez Outlaw Diary

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