Friday, April 14, 2017

Slippage n Being Human #pezoutlaw #hollywood @pezoutlaw

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Like a rock star on stage you tilt the microphone to the crowd.
Please wake me.

Chain of events.
Wrote a post about the weather.
Nothin controversial there.
Wrote a post hammerin away about Pez Outlaw. Check.
Wrote an animal post about Rudy.

Ok, time to go off the rails.
Rummage around in the clutter up there n pick one up.
Then again possibly something more nuanced.
Yeah right, like that would even be possible.

I will tell you this.
I walk around in my world trying to maintain a presentable human for observers.
The problem with that is.
My version of a presentable human veers off course all by itself.
Add slippage to that n you catch eyeballs.
You know that look or maybe you don't, I guarantee you I do.
I've seen it on the observers face my whole life.

The biggest problem I had when I worked in the shop was that out of anger or whatever, I refuse to play the good ole boy role.
Now days I can slip into it with ease.
My problem is that I get to enjoying the role a bit to much n start improvising.
Improvisation is very fertile ground for slippage.

Example 1.
Geof brings some hay over.
You Bastard, what the hell are you trying to do to me.
Even with the latitude I'm given by Kathy's friends for being, eccentric (inner voice: yeah eccentric, I like that). 
People still pause a moment on that type of greeting. Eyeballs.
Then I say 15 or 20 bales, 15 is replied.
What the hell, don't you believe in buying a beer for the other guys? Pause, eyeballs.

Example 2.
Henry, Amish Farrier was here, cutting hooves.
Was talking with him about a somewhat mutual disdain for doctors.
Told him, Doctors just won't follow directions, stay on point.
I will walk out if one tries that Alzheimer quiz on me.
Don't want to know if I have cancer. 
Better I fall over one day than go on kimo n become another burden to Kathy.
If I'm not useful to her, I certainly don't want to be a burden.
Kathy from afar, so yeah Henry if one day he falls over............
Poor woman's been tryin to tidy up after me with folks for 45yrs.

Anyway, back to Alzheimer's.
Told Henry, quit drinking 45 years ago, hopin that's my ace in the hole.
Then I got Cocky.
Henry. See to me normal people run smooth.
My brain has so much going on up there that if Alzheimer's fired almost everybody, maybe finally I'd be like other folks.
Pause, Eyeball's.

OOP's, makes you wish you had a safety line on some thoughts so you could yank then back in or at least be able to throw slippage a life-preserver. 
Commonly known as "to much" or "did I say that out loud? I thought I was using my inner voice".

People around here accept my off center thinking.
I live in a different yet parallel reality to them.
As long as I'm yammering on about the horse's there eye's are fine, but......

Only Kathy knows it all n she is the only person who has been willing to put up with the real me.
I do not have to present my acceptable human for her. 
I also realized recently that it's impossible for me not to tell Kathy everything.
By the way that's fare warning to other folks.

Well Shit, I never planned on that.

With your permission. 
I'd like to add. 
A little out of the blue.
I'm not anybodies ATM, at least not anymore.
That's one thing I like about being poor, the decisions are made for me.
You want money to do or for anything n Bubba are you talkin to the wrong person. 
Also on the advice of you know who, I do not sign anything.
You might not believe it but I do get requests.

I used to be the guy who put $10,000.00 on a desk to watch it swept into a drawer.
No more, you want something from me? 
It's my turn to sweep money into my drawer.

OH, What The Hell.

If you slam your gun on the table n it discharges.
Was that you taking your shot?
Is a momentary response your answer? 

For depth.

The Softest Sock of 2, goes on the right foot.
I wear 3 pairs of socks one pair over the other every day.
Reason, it feels good.
Left ear socks or socks that ride between toes drive me up a wall.
That ends the daily Sock Report, on to the News.

So the News guy says.
In one word describe so n so.
People almost always use 3 words.

My hope is that the words "Ski Vacation" are code for deal making.
Come February Perceptible movement is revealed.
I'm running out of spit fellas.

Stick your noses out boys n girls.
It's time to get them tweaked.

Gerry, you've done 3.
Do 4 n we get worried.

After 1.5 years working on Cereal Box Price Guide I kinda drifted away.
The Cereal Box Price Guide was done using Pez Outlaw Methods, I make no apologies for that.
The drift from cereal was to Notes From The Asylum.
I guess I just prefer talking.

Today Kathy showed me a story in the newspaper on a local Pez Collector.
To be honest I lost interest half way through it because it didn't mention Pez Outlaw.
Blah Blah Blah guy has a lot of Pez, isn't he weird.

The news story did though use quotes from Shawn Peterson as a sorce from Pez Corp.
I remember back in the 1990s when Shawn's folks would bring him to Pez Cons.
I wonder if Pez Corp knows what a good customer there employee was of Pez Outlaw.
Sorry just foolin around, I'm sure it's not a thing.

So much has changed in 15 years.
A new generation of product n collectors has come into the Pez Hobby.
Young people I used to sell to have gone mainstream n now work for the other side.
Wonder how that conversation goes when Pez Outlaw is mention at Pez Corp with Shawn.

Yes of course everything is about me/Pez Outlaw.
Until the movie is released, that's how it has to be.
Again, no apologies.

Somebody on ebay just asked.
Are you "The Pez Outlaw"?
Yes, this is Pez Outlaw.
There is only one.

Being Human. Fake it, Till you make it.

You know how when you're trying to present a normal human to others n bits of crazy seep out.
The people that know me well, just laugh n enjoy the humor.
Though on occasion I've notice a few disappear forever.
To me it's the weeding process of those who should actually be in my world.

Don't get me wrong.
I'm not a person that really needs human friends, I've got my dogs, the horse's n that does me pretty good.
Reality though requires that I interact with Kathy's world n believe you me, I have to tone it down a bit.
I get the shush finger a lot.

Walking around in the real world can be a bit of a juggling act.
How much to let out.
Less is more.
What you don't say has proven more important than what you do.

The other day a guy contacted me wanting to make Pez Outlaw T-shirts.
Contacted Jeff, contacted Marcia, both seemed confused.
I guess they have real lives n no time to come out n play.
That just leaves me n my imaginary friends.
We decided it was to soon, maybe later.

That's the problem of living in an alternate universe of Pez Outlaw.
For me everything is Pez Outlaw 24/7/365.
Real people, including Kathy, Josh, Jeff n Marcia have the real world of family, jobs, friends etc.
My world, The Pez Outlaw World does not have these distractions, because Kathy allows me this.
I can focus on my alternate reality as much as I want.
So of course every little nuance of the Pez Outlaw World is Life or death.

What I find is that I'm so tiresome on the subject that it takes a very large rotation of individuals to bore, just to keep up with me.
Each set of ears can only listen for so long before needing a vacation from Pez Outlaw World.
Like West World, you can only play at the park so long before the Robot Cowboy goes rogue.

Some folks withdraw quietly n are rarely heard from over long periods.
Did I somehow scare them?
Is there something frightening about me that I'm totally Oblivious to?
Probably the earlier thought that others are in the real world n Kathy has not carved out a safe area for them to play in.

Every child is born with high hopes.
Anything is possible in the beginning n we all think we are special.
If you have 4 brothers, they tend to help you find reality.

We weren't exactly poor, because dad had a pretty good job working at Fisher Body on the line wet sanding cars.
Though I do remember some pretty long UAW strikes that had us eating big cans of spam n other forms of (not sure it was called welfare food back then) Government food.

When I was very young I wanted to be a lawyer, because being a Cowboy seemed out of reach.
My early years in grade school were filled with Fighting because I hadn't learned to use my words but I loved to argue.

One punishment for being a disruptive child at school stood out.
The teacher put me in the class closet with the lights out.
To make fun out of it, I catcalled at people who passed by in the hall.

Even though life told me I was not special, I pushed back.
I've always defied the darkness with rage.
You tell me I can't, buddy that was exactly what I was gonna do.
I'll show you, which usually ended bad.

Later in life I learned that out of 1,000 failures can come one success or that you must be willing to hear 1,000 no's for the eventual yes.
I believe my defiance as a child was my training ground for seeking an outside the box path in life.
Every opportunity I had as a child to take the normal path, I would sabotage it, forcing me to take the path nobody else was taking.

This has continued into the rest of my life.
I'm not sure at this point what good it did me but I also know I really didn't have a choice.

By the age of 13 my brain started functioning different than the people around me.
Today they have all kinds of labels for what was going on n medications to help.
At the age of 15 I started self medicating with Alcohol.
At 16 Marijuana, then in rapid succession every other kind of drug I could lay my hands on.

When I reached 20 I met Kathy n finally put all the drugs n alcohol behind me.
What followed were 25 years of mental anguish, frustration and rage???
that's for those who observed to say.

The military diagnosed me schizophrenic with masochistic tendencies.
No treatment, they just booted me.
In a drug rehab program I scared them so much that they booted me to a mental hospital.
Oddly enough the screener at the mental hospital was a druggy.
I spotted it right away, so I walked away.

Within weeks I met Kathy and began my journey of self healing with her help n patience.
Now I am literally her servant, in that the woman deserves some reward for 25+ years work.
I never found Jesus or attended a single AA or other type meeting, we just did it on our own.

Schizophrenic, Bipolar, etc are just words n labels, God knows whats really going on up there.
Some of us out here can't afford or are not capable of seeing Doctors to have our brains fixed or medicated.
Some of us just have to do the best we can n work our way through it.

At the age of 65 (in a few months) I've finally built enough patches n tricks to pass as human.
Yes I'm kinda obsessive compulsive, I think that obsession to detail was born out of necessity.
Yes I'm a hermit in that I don't leave the farm much, again necessity to control my environment n limit input.
I don't talk on telephones, again limiting input. Telephones allow to many people to dump to much unwanted crap into your brain.

Back to the beginning, Every child is born with high hopes.
So is a part of my story a Hollywood movie about Pez Outlaw n my life?
Is this life I've lived worthy of your interest for 90 minutes?
Time will tell. My hope is that the answer is yes.

One of the other reasons that I share my story so openly is.
I know I'm not alone, I know that there are a lot of folks out there who deal with this shit in isolation.
I want you to know that you are not alone.
My advice though is to seek professional help.
Even though I am incapable of it, it is the better way to go.
Don't hide who you are, find a way to embrace the unique you.
You have value, your unique perspective of life has value.

Pez Outlaw Diary

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