Thursday, March 30, 2017

Own Who You Are. #pezoutlaw #hollywood @pezoutlaw

Own Who or What You Are. Be The Writer Of How The World Views You

When you clicked on this you opened the door to the Asylum.
So if you made a mistake, I will pause for a moment while you run for your sanity.



OK, we're back.

Notes from the Asylum is about the Twisty turns of the mind, picking up discarded things from the floor of your mind. Dusting them off n looking at them. that's the intent part.

The interpretation part is what you the reader are bringing to the table as you read this.
Well now that I've put us both down this rabbit hole, how do I get us out of here?

I guess I'm saying that the Asylum is a thought experiment. 
Playing with the mind in public.
Oh Yeah n it amuses me.

Your interpretation might be different, fair enough.
Last night I was watching something on tv n it involved crazy.
I got feeling kinda bad for some people who are trying to deal with crazy n not winning.
I've sorta found a middle ground with crazy, one I think I'm coping with.

I've decided to use crazy as a skill set, instead of letting it use me.
65yrs n it doesn't look like crazy is going away any time soon.
So I can either be a victim or figure out how to make crazy carry it's share of the work.
I'm not afflicted by crazy, crazy is an integral part of who I am.
The crazy in me is what makes me unique.
Crazy is what gives me a very different perspective on life n living it.

You can try for a lifetime to outrun crazy n never win.
You can give up, medicate n be crazies victim.
I choose to find the good in something I can not escape.
Each part of crazy has it's own unique assets if you look hard enough.

I've tried a lifetime to imitate others, be like you.
Guess what, it made me miserable n I failed to be like you.
Well if I can't outrun this Bastard then maybe I'd better do my best to make peace with him.
When you try to outrun crazy you just give him more power over you.
I've decided to meet with crazy n allow him to share my voice.
Keep your enemies close, so you can keep a better eye on them.

It took almost 30 years. Others aren't as lucky.
I make lite of it cause it's part of the coping.
I do not make lite of the struggle others are facing n do not suggest what works for me would work for anyone else.
Hopefully though some might find encouragement in the things I write.
I also want to remove the stigma attached to crazy.
We are unique n I don't mean special like that.
I mean sincerely that we bring a rare unique view with different approaches to things.

Own Who or What You Are. Be The Writer Of How The World Views You.
Which is why I avoid mirrors. I do not want any physical representation in what I project as who I am.
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Below is a post that failed to get the required # of views to stand on it's own.
I put it here though because it contains info that might be useful.

Jeff Maysh #pezoutlaw #hollywood

Jeff Maysh seemed disappointed when my thoughts regarding my youth for the Pez Outlaw book were at best my disinterest.
Here's my reason.
I have a very strong dislike of my past, I don't like who I was at all.
You name the time period, all I have for it is regret n sadness.

I find thinking about my past very unsettling mentally.
I've worked very hard every day of my life to be better than who I was yesterday.
Memories of who I was only get in the way of who I want to be.

BUT!
I've got what I think is a really good solution to this obstacle.
As we know everybody colors there memories of the past so that they can live with themselves.
Therefore a lot of Biographies seem a bit self serving.

A more accurate version of who we were is in the eyes of those around us at the time.
Which brings me to my idea.
I think Jeff should use his recorder on my 4 brothers n get them to tell it.
The way my brothers saw me would I feel tell the story more accurately.

If it's written from my point of view it will just be self serving.
My youth as seen by my brothers, I think might tell a more interesting story.
I can live with the way they saw it.

I don't fear the truth of my past.
I just don't want to relive it.
My only thoughts are of today n tomorrow.
I block out as much of my past as I can.
If a memory of the past creeps into my mind, I go into overdrive to push it out.

In the 1990s I listened to motivational speakers on tape.
Part of the reason I was able to even be Pez Outlaw.
The motivational guy I liked best referred to bad memories you dredge up to sabotage yourself as weeds.

Here's the thing for me about thinking about the past. 
I'm good for a few seconds but then my mind segues to the worst thought it can, just to screw with me.
Being aware that this is how my mind works I just head the whole process off by not thinking about the past at all.

So let my brothers tell it n that way I don't have to think about it.
I'm good with who my brothers saw me as.
You can include Doug Wallet for my drinking n drug years.

My battle with the demons in my head were not seen by most.
Only Kathy knows.
It's always been in my head, rarely seen by the world around me. 

Which is also why recent entreaties to relive old angers n hatreds seem trivial.

After Pez Outlaw, I intend to retire.






 

Pez Outlaw Diary

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